My goal for this past week was to spread my riding out a little more, not end up with lots of rides on Friday again, but the weather didn't play along and Monday became Wednesday and Wednesday became Friday and Friday became another "double equindultry" day. But as much as these take out of my body, I think there are big pluses from hours of riding, I think the longer I am on the better my seat gets and the more I figure out how to relax into the saddle (possibly from sheer exhaustion I can no longer fight so hard against myself).
The afternoon started (and ended) with Joker time. We did about an hour ride. I am concentrating on my body a lot with him these days. Stopping off my seat, turning off my body, keeping my hands quiet. I am sure to anyone watching it looks like we are doing nothing and putzing, we always seem to be in people's way on these rides - my hope for an empty arena yesterday did not happen, there were a bunch of people and a jumping lesson going on - but for whatever it looks like, I know these are the most important rides we have done yet. My breakthrough yesterday on him was figuring out how to use the inside of my leg to squeeze, vs pulling it up to do it. I like those "ah ah moments", when you feel something and it hits you that is what you were supposed to do all along.
I feel like I am having a lot of those moments lately, my lessons feel really productive lately. That sounds weird, they always feel productive, but this has been different. Productive in figuring ME out, figuring out how to use my body, figuring out in my brain what I am being asked by Etta to do. I also feel like I am learning to articulate better what is confusing me. I am learning to say I need that explained instead of feeling like I should get it and asking sounds dumb. I am learning to explain my challenges without feeling like it sounds like excuses. It's a nice change.
After Joker it was off to my private "equindultry" lesson. This week it was Leo. Another buckskin dun schoolie. Leo quickly competed with Dodger for my top spot! The difference between the two, Leo has been shown and is more finished. He quickly remembered what the different cues meant and I could work with him a little more than Dodger. Leo has an amazingly smooth trot, very flat. A trot you could ride for hours and not be sore or tired. But his lope was where my lesson was at yesterday. I love how fate messes with me and makes sure I get the lesson.
I have REALLY struggled with my right lead the last few months. Sensory wise (most likely from my nerve damage) I don't feel as balanced turning to the right (it is VERY pronounced when I ride without stirrups or bareback) but Leo's job it turns out was to teach me how much of it is in my head too. How much extra I balance on my reins to the right, how much I lift out of the saddle and how much that is screwing up my horses maintaining their gate.
Etta pushed me to lope Leo yesterday (he has a great lope to ride btw) and as usual my right lead was breaking down, but we were going to try it one more time. Not only did it go well but we got two full circles out if, something I haven't done in a while. Half way through I did feel like I was coming off to the right but I made myself fight through it, I know it is all in my head! Etta has told me a million times she doesn't see it even. So I rode through it, we stopped, I was so excited just to have done the exercise and Etta was laughing. She asked me what I noticed. I rattled off a couple answers but none of them were the right answer, then she told me to look down at my horse. Leo was chewing on his now unattached left rein. WE HAD LOPED HALF THE EXERCISE WITH ONE REIN. My ride had gone so well because I wasn't able to pull on that rein and throw my horse off balance. And I had been fine, no freak out, no psyching myself out, the best lope in ages.
We tried to work with one rein after that but of course then my head got in my way and I became all messy with my hands, but Leo's lesson for me yesterday was you don't need all these aids as much as you think you do! Now I need to find that comfort without equipment malfunctions! (that or Etta is going to have to start sabotaging my reins LOL).
A quick dinner with friends (love the Blacksmith!) a few hugs from Joker and it was off to my group lesson, a second date with Dodger. The arena was PACKED. At one point there were 14 people and their horses in the small arena. It looked like a show warm up arena. There was everything from Gizzie, the freshly broke baby, to new schoolies, to show horses, to the dead broke schoolies. Some in the lesson some not. Normally this situation would really stress me out, and I have to admit I did ponder not doing the lesson when I saw how big it was getting, but for some reason last night I had total peace with it. I think part of it was everyone was being really respectful of each other (which is rare with that many different people doing different things). Rides like that are the main reason I take group lessons, I don't find I learn a ton new in them (I learn better one on one) but they are for me to work on my anxiety riding in a lot of other people. And when I have Joker with me a way for him to remember this is not play time and he needs to be consistent and focused. I miss Joker in group lessons, and last night would have been a good one for him, but I know part of my ease last night was knowing I had a very calm laid back consistent horse under me who wasn't going to be any different if there were 100 horses in the group. Lesson from Dodger, I need to find that consistency in Joker. It is my goal after I get back from Atlanta. I have been selfish and focused on me for the last 6 weeks or so, now it is time to get back to working on my partner and how we work together.
It is hard to believe it is under two weeks til my riding clinic with Wendy. I am nervous, I am excited, all the crazy noise in my head about my weight is out of control, but as far as my riding I am ready. I am so grateful to Etta, she has put a lot of time into me these last few weeks, but I do feel like I have come to a different place and I am ready to make this journey. The weird part is I am not sure that different place has anything to do with horses, or if it is all in my mind. As I mentioned above, I am at a different place mentally. I don't feel I have to be perfect right now, that it is ok to admit I am a student because I don't get it all, that it is ok to ask for help. I think this amount of time in lessons each week has helped a ton with seeing that, I think admitting I need to go to this clinic to get help with my body has allowed me to not feel I have to hide my physical limitations, I think being on all these other horses has opened up chances to talk about where I am struggling. I think it has brought me to where I needed to be to get the most out of this experience. That I am comfortable going saying "I am not getting this, please teach me" instead of fearing that will make me look like a failure! Finding comfort finally in saying that with Etta has made me ready go say that to Wendy.
It is amazing how the lesson I thought I needed to solve on a horse, had nothing to do with the horse!
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